BASSINET
Why did you the end the night on a park bench in the pouring rain?
MOLINEAUX
I spent the night on a park bench in
the pouring rain ,
BASSINET, because ... I
can 't tell you .
I can't
tell anybody.
BASSINET
Why not?
12.
MOLINEAUX
It's too embarrassing.
BASSINET
Ohhh.
MOLINEAUX
Oh BASSINET, BASSINET
...
BASSINET
Everyone thayth that to me, you know.
MOLINEAUX
What?
BASSINET
Oh Bathinet , Bathinet...
MOLINEAUX
Why?
BASSINET
I don ' t know !
They juth thay ,
Oh Bathinet , Bathinet...
MOLINEAUX
Oh BASSINET, BASSINET.
You know I've got a young and beautiful wife.
BASSINET
Yeth.
MOLINEAUX
And I ' m a bit older than she.
BASSINET
Yeth.
MOLINEAUX
Not all that much!
And despite the years between us, she loves me.
I love her , and ... well, she
calls me her "Tigre"... and I am!
BASSINET
Yeth. You're her what?
13.
MOLINEAUX
Her Tiger ! " Tigre . "
BASSINET
Ye h!
MOLINEAUX
Well, I was..,.
BASSINET
Yeth.
MOLINEAUX
Oh for God' s sake , will you stop saying yeth.
BASSINET
Yeth.
MOLINEAUX
Several months ago, I was becoming affectionate with my beautiful YVONNE,
everything
proceeding just as it should , she whispered in my ear
" Tigre, Tigre" - and, BASSINET, have you
ever in your life heard a word
you ' ve known for years and suddenly been struck
by the fact that
it is in truth a very silly sounding word?
BASSINET
No.
MOLINEAUX
Well BASSINET, I have been so struck
And that word , BASSINET, was
"Tigre ." "
Tigre ." Hmpph.
"Tigre ."
Hahn And I began to giggle .
You see I'm giggling now. BASSINET, have
you ever
suddenly , unexpectedly giggled while making love to your wife who happens to be
a few years
younger than you are yourself?
BASSINET
No.
MOLINEAUX
Don't , BASSINET. I beg you , don't .
On your life , BASSINET, don't do it.
She won't like it.
BASSINET
No.
14.
MOLINEAUX
And the other thing BASSINET
, should you ever be tempted to giggle when your
beautiful young
wife whispers " Tigre , Tigre "
in your ear , you should know that giggling and the amorous
impulse are incompatible . For the moment she said "Tigre , Tigre" and I began
to giggle , I was no
longer her " tigre."
BASSINET
No?! !
MOLINEAUX
You understand?
BASSINET
I underthand . No longer , a tiger ...
but, a the ay ed tom cat...
MOLINEAUX
Well, you don't have to...BASSINET
I underthand An old , tired , thpayed torn cat, lying limply by the road in the
thun , coat matted,
tufth of fur falling out , coughing up the hairbalL..
MOLINEAUX
Thank you BASSINET!
BASSINET
Then
what happened?
MOLINEAUX
The neat night I was all set to redeem myself. Everything proceeds as it should
and...
BASSINET
Tigre ? Tigre?
MOLINEAUX
(Trying not to laugh .)
Yes! Tigre , Tigre .
( Laughing.)
This isn't funny BASSINET!
BASSINET
And the neat night?
15.
MOLINEAUX
Tigre , tigre !
( Laughing uncontrollably .) And the neat and the neat . Finally , I was so afraid of a
possible recurrence of this incident that I told YVONNE
I needed to sleep in my
study.
BASSINET
You told her , of courth , about " Tigre , Tigre"?
MOLINEAUX
No. How could I.tellherl wasn ' t her tigre anymore ? That isn ' t the kind
thing an older man tells
his youngwife , BASSINET
! I told her I had to sleep in my study becauseher
snoring was keeping
me awake.
BASSINET
Her thnoring?_!
MOLINEAUX
That was a mistake . Possibly even worse than not being her "tigre " anymore . BASSINET, never tell
your wife she snores . So, for the past two months I have slept in my study.
BASSINET
But if you have a thudy to thleep in , why did you the end the night on a park
bench in the
pouring rain?
MOLINEAUX
It's all because of the Moulin Rouge!
BASSINET
The M oulin Rouge! !?
MOLINEAUX
Shhh! The Moulin Rouge.
And Madame AUBIN . SUZANNE.
BASSINET
Thuthanne AUBIN?
MOLINEAUX
SUZANNE is a patient . A very attractive patient . One day she confided in me
that her husband was a brute , always suspecting her of having affairs.
I comforted her.
BASSINET
Thuthanne?
16.
MOLINEAUX
Yes. In an entirely professional manner , I assure you . But she told me how
understanding I was,.
oh kind , how warm and sensitive.
BASSINET
Thuthanne thaid thith?
MOLINEAUX
Yeth, Thuthanne thaid thith . Will you stop that ! She suggested we meet at the
Moulin Rouge.
BASSINET
Ali, the Moulin Rouge.
MOLINEAUX
I said I couldn't consider such a thing. She persisted . I demurred. She pursued
. I retreated. Shehinged . I parried- Finally , I thought , perhaps this is what I need, an
adventure , something to
wipe the . laughter from my mind forever . Perhaps this could help me
re-discover the tiger. I mean
she
couldn ' t possibly whisper
" Tigre , Tigre ' in my ear could she? So I went.
BASSINET
To the Moulin Rouge?
MOLINEAUX
To the Moulin Rouge . After more than a glass or twelve of wine to fortify my
courage. And
there she was sitting in a p rivate booth , looking so beautiful so ... so ...
but all I could think of
was my little YVONNE. How could I do this to he?? How could her "Tigre " behave
like this? So I
turned and fled.
BASSINET
From the Moulin Rouge?
MOLINEAUX
Of course from the Moulin Rouge! But I had consumed a slight excess of wine and
when I fled I
fled directly into a very large Prussian gentleman whom I knocked to the floor .
I apologized.
He
beat me mercilessly .
Threw me out the door, into the gutter.
BASSINET
Thoth Prutthhianths!
MOLINEAUX
I limped home thinking only of my narrow escape on two fronts...
17.
BASSINET
Thuthanne and the Prutthian.
MOLINEAUX
Yes. Madame AUBIN and
the German gentleman. BASSINET, you must find words without an "s"
whenever possible . I arrived at my door , reached for my hatch key . Gone! When
the Pruss- The
German gentleman had thrown me into the gutter it must have fallen out . I
couldn ' t ring the bell.
It would wake YVONNE. She'd see me in this sorry state and immediately know I'd
been to...
BASSINET
The Moulin Rouge! ! !
MOLINEAUX
Shh! I thought, "MOLINEAUX, better to sleep on a park bench in the pouring
rain than to be caught
in this sorry state ." So I waited until morning climbed to the window there . ETIENNE let me in.
It
was going perfectly
until you spoiled everything!
BASSINET
Thorry.
MOLINEAUX
Why did you come here anyway ?
You haven't,got an appointment have you?
BASSINET
Oh no . I juth
thopped by to talk to you about a buthineth propothition . I have a property,
Theventy
Rue Thans
Thouthi..
MOLINEAUX
You mean Seventy Rue Sans Souci.
BASSINET
Yeth.
MOLINEAUX
You must move it immediately to another letter in the alphabet.
BASSINET
I'm having trouble leathing one of the flatsth.
I thought you mi
MOLINEAUX
For that you barged into my home and office in the middle of a crisis ? To help
you find a tenant!
18.
BASSINET
No! Ith to help you! Ith a very unhealthy building Bad air. No light. You're a doctor. It could be
good for busthineth.
MOLINEAUX
BASSINET... !
BASSINET
It wath a dreth-makerth thop. Madame Durand juth walked away without paying her rent! Juth
lath week. Left everything behind.
But, thersth a f cony thory...
MOLINEAUX
BASSINET
I don ' t want to hear about your real estate or your declassb dress maker .
( Goes to bell-
pull.)
Besides, my wife handles all my financial affairs . Well actually her mother handles all our
financial affairs ... Mother BASSINET, I've got to make things up with my wife before her mother
arrives . BASSINET, do you have a mother - in-law?
BASSINET
No.
MOLINEAUX
Well, I do BASSINET.
Have you ever heard of Medusa?
BASSINET
Medutha? With the thnakesth?
MOLINEAUX
BASSINET, Medusa with the snakes was a sensitive, sweet, innocent , loving little country girl
from the Peloponesus compared to my mother - in-law! So, I must rectify this situation with my
wife , before...
BASSINET
I underthand . Your wife . Sheth very important to you. I underthand becauth I losth
my wife.
MOLINEAUX
I didn ' t know . I'm so sorry. When did she die?
BASSINET
Oh she didn't die I losth her. Only a few monthsth ago. One minute she was thitting on a bench
in the Tuilleriesth and then poofl She wath gone.
I losth her.
19
( Entering )
ETIENNE
You rang Monsieur.
MOLINEAUX
ETIENNE, help me get rid of this idiot. Go out, come back in two minutes and say my very
important appointment has arrived.
ETIENNE
Yes, Monsieur , I understand.
(He exits)
MOLINEAUX
Lost your wife. How very sad.
BASSINET
Very thad. And I never went to the Moulin Rouge! Never thpeat the night on a park bench!
Never even told her thee thnored! And p oof thee wath gone. Dithapp eared. I thought I thaw her
with a tholdier onth. On a Thunday. In Theptember. It wath Thunday, the.thix of Theptember!
MOLINEAUX
How is it going with that speech therapist .
Any hick at all?
BASSINET
Wonderful, Doctor. I'm completely cured!
MOLINEAUX
Completely cured?
BASSINET
Yeth, " Bathinet," he thaid , " If you believe you have a lispth , a lispth you thall have ; whenyou
have the confidence to believe you do not have a lispth then a lispth you thall have not." I believe
a lispth I do not have . Heth a geniusth ! You're a geniusth.
MOLINEAUX
Am I? Say: " She sells sea shells by the seashore." No! Don 't. Please .
(ETIENNE enters)
Ah! ETIENNE
ETIENNE
Your very important appointment has arrived ,
M. Le Docteur.
MOLINEAUX
Thank you ETIENNE.
I'm sorry BASSINET, this is very important.